party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
