You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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