Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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