I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
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