Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
