it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
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I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
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All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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