I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
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