I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
