I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
