note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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