His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
