When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
