Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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