I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
