paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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