nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
