he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
