At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
