best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
