I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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