My liver just broke up with me...
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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