I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
