I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
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