I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Someone came in the potted fern
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
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