my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
