i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
