so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
