I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
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