she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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