I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Randomize
