Sober January is a disaster.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Randomize
