Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
