he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
