How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
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