i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
