Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
