take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Randomize
