I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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