I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
