Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
