That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
