My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
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