I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Randomize
