It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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