i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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