Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
