She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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