It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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