I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
