remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Randomize
