I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Now that makes it sound like you had sex with a guy in batman costume and you never took the mask off so you can't 100 percent be sure.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
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