I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
