Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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