Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
