I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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