Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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